In It

Oh I am livin in it right now....That being my shit.

I am always amazed how life can throw you up against the wall and through nobodies fault but my own a continual slapping in the face seems to be a relentless fight with my self.

This may make no sense at all, or maybe it makes perfect sense. No matter, this mentally hurts my brain. I am a very analytical person. Each moment is a microscopic view of the whole. I can pick apart the moment a million times. This is a blessing and a curse. Right now it seems to be a bit of a curse.

Without getting too personal, lets say I am going through some shit right now. I am from my point of view a pretty aware Being on many levels, so when I fall into a ditch and fling poo at space, it can be a bit frustrating. I see the bigger picture and along the way I ask myself why? Why am I not letting go of old shit? Why am I digging a hole that leads to a seeming nowhere land?

Really at this present moment I am not sure. I have a few theories, but all in all I think I am resorting back to a comfortable discomfort. Its like I am afraid to push forward so I dig back into the bag of shits past. And I will tell you this, Its doing me no good. I am only becoming more frustrated.

The past is a bag of shit in many ways. Sure it has its highlights, but to live in the past is in my eyes comparable to dying. This may seem harsh, but for me, true.
The way my life has been growing into the moment for the past 7 or so years has been amazing, so when I suddenly find myself up to my elbows in the shit of my past, I get a bit angry.

I need to shift my view. My energy needs to lighten up. This is easy for me to say, its the doing that I seem to have trouble with. I know how to get out of this spot, but for some strange reason I feel like I need to be here. And this makes no fucking sense to me. How could something that makes me miserable be of service to me.

Maybe I need to see this from a different angle. Could it be that at a certain point I get so deep in this crap that I shift so extremely that I will forever be changed, for the better I would like to think.

This is a hard, very hard place to be. I am by no means looking for sympathy. I am just doing my best to cope with where I am. And I guess this is how I need to do it right now.

I know somewhere deep in my heart that I will be OK. No it's not easy being here right now, but its OK. Somehow I will push through this and be stronger for it.

I guess the question now is how much deeper will I allow myself to go until I break through this heap of shit and discover more of who I am and all that I am to be.

Thanks for listening,

~Jimmy~